committed to the sparkle

about two years ago the universe snuck up on me and changed my life.  my body broke down and my heart cracked wide open while my emotional intestines spewed across the shiny linoleum floor of my life. not so perfect and not so clean. a beauty of a mess. heart and soul gorgeously askew.

and now the storm has passed :) i am, as i was all along, perfect-whole-complete. and still a beautiful mess.

cuz that's how it goes- we'll never have it all done. once we've crossed one bridge the earth starts to shake in a new way beneath our feet. i'm trying to learn to shake with it. to take out my maracas and whistle a tune to the rumble of the shift beneath my feet (soul). i'm learning that i don't have to try so hard. i sparkle from the inside no matter what i do or where i go. being kind to myself is a big one these days. giving myself a break from self-criticism, worry, and fear. doing things that feel good, just because they feel good.

before i left california i had just started to get into the swing of feeling good, settled, at home (in my soul and skin). and then the transplantation: cue Switzerland. land of conservative talk, demeanor, and dress. home to organizational nirvana and (possibly) the birthplace of efficiency. where goats on the hillside and people named heidi are real and very much a part of everyday life. and vanessa, a budding new flower decorating the hillside with her smiles and optimism. what's not to feel good about? sounds like a dream. and yet...

i'm finding it a challenge to feel good and in my skin here. feeling good is hard when you don't know what people around you are saying, where you are, or how to express yourself and be understood. it's kind of like living underwater; you can hear the sounds and see the sights around you, but unless you have gills and a second pair of eyelids everything is just that much cloudier and muted. my soul included. :)

but, i've been through worse! and that's the saving grace. the touchstone that i repeatedly rub and caress for inspiration and courage. i've been through much worse and survived. a million to one ain't got nothing on me. crazy bacterias have ravaged my body and demolished whole foundations of my being. and i'm still here (on most days) happy and thriving. yes thriving. because even when it feels shitty there is always a silver lining.

*a mom and pop who never stop loving me
*a husband who adores me
*sisters, friends, and family who hold my hand and touch my soul
*a swiss bank account ;)
*chocolate croissants and decadent bread
*green
*little kids who think i'm their hero
*cheese
*public transportation
*a universe that never stops giving :)

so, yes, i'm feeling challenged by the newness and awkwardess of my new home, but there's always a silver lining. and it's never further away than my next breath. inhale. exhale. thank you :)

so as i turn thirty this year in my new swiss home i open my arms to the goodness that fills the space around me. opening my heart to the knowing that each day things are getting better (even when it can feel like they're getting worse). remembering to keep my eyes to the sky and that i may not always see myself sparkle, but as long as i see it in the world around me i know i can't be far off...