connecting to your Source means remembering that...

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our Light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, 'who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?'. actually, who are you not to be? you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world. there is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. we were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us. it's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. as we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~marianne williamson

confessions of non-committal

i've been living in our swiss apartment now for exactly one year. and it's funny, cuz even though i know this is 'home' i still feel that i haven't allowed myself to give it the homey touch that it deserves. i find myself drawn to certain pieces of art and furniture and then in the back of my head a small voice whines, "you're just going to have to sell it/ship it/get rid of it when you leave this place some day". total debbie downer, i know. some realists (and uber minimalists) out there may completely agree with my line of lackluster thinking, but i know myself better and realize that it actually just screams non-committal. it makes me realize that i've been treating switzerland as a pit-stop, a nice place to vacation, before i start my "real" life.

hello!?!

honey, if this isn't your real life than i don't know what is.

there may still be things about switzerland that i still haven't quite gotten used to...like everything closing at ridulously (by american standards) early hours, people who stare you down instead of initiating conversation, or speaking in a 12-inch library voice in most public places. but, like it or not i've chosen this beautifully conservative nook to set up my nest and play house. so i guess i should start trying to get used to it.

thankfully there are some silver linings; like the immaculate you-could-eat-off-the-toilet public restrooms and the super fun and colorful paper money. it's just a matter of training my eye/mind to stay open to/aware of those little gems of convenience and fun that are hiding in unassuming corners.

so i guess i'll just continue my eternal find-the-positive hunt.... and then just go ahead and buy that tacky leg-lamp i've always wanted and just live in the moment ;)

flirty thirty ;)

i now have one day of life as a thirty-year-old under my belt and i must say...thirty feels good :)

i wasn't quite sure how i would feel about embarking into my third decade. would i feel "old"? emotionally distraught at the passing of my "youth"? down right depressed? i'd heard people over the last years talk about the XXX transition and it didn't sound very optimistic. most folks seemed to feel a sadness at bidding their twenties goodbye and braced themselves for the upcoming process of finally "getting their shit together". (as you can tell by the overuse of quotation marks my perspective on the subject has been extremely cliche influenced.) so i wasn't quite sure if my reaction would be the same as the stories and experiences that i was being asked to believe in.

verdict:  i'm happy to report that my initiation to the club has been full of optimism and excitement for all that is yet to come :)

i am overwhelmed by the amount of abundance and blessings that abound in my life. and so instead of feeling a sadness for the passing of the last decade i find myself feeling infinitely grateful for the lessons and experience i've been afforded and learned from in the last 29 years. i truly feel that i am in my happily ever after and that it will only get better and better from here on out!

so i've decided to flirt with thirty. i'm going to tease this next decade into falling in love with me, woo it into satisfying my heart's every desire, and court it with the promise of more joy and radiant living than it could possibly imagine. come over here, thirty. pat, pat, pat...here's a seat just for you. wink. i've got a whole lot of fun in store for you ;)

looking through you

a few months ago i acquired the bad habit of staring at strangers for longer than is socially appropriate. :) hahaha!!! i almost feel that it's a part of swiss culture to pretend you don't see the person sitting right across from you on the train, when really it's all you can do to rip your eyes away from such a prime specimen of intrigue and wonder. and since each person is so fabulously different from the next, the levels of intrigue just never cease to enchant my curiousity and lure me in.

hi, my name's vanessa, I like to sit across from you (much to your annoyed and creeped out dismay) and look into your soul. (wow, all those teenage years of staring at mark rizzie in the hallways have got me talkin like a professional stalker.) but, unlike my high school penchant for drooling awkwardly over boys who thought less of me than their shoelaces, my adult stare-dom is slightly more refined. sophisticated if you will. abounding with thoughtfulness. now i'm staring as a means of connecting with your heart and if i'm lucky, the universal pulse.

i've started to play a game: looking into faces of young and old and imagining them as they were and will be. if i look closely into the face of a kid, for example, i try to picture him as the 30-something that he will one day become and then I take it a step further and imagine his wrinkle-ridden face at 87 years old. alternatively, the reverse is also true; looking into the face of a weathered grandparent i can see her youthful, uncreased face. possibly the day she learned to ride a bike when she was 6 or what her smile looked like when she accepted her first kiss.

the whole process has since become a game that i play on the train or bus to pass the time, but it actually started quite spontaneously one day as i rode the bus on the way to work. i was side-glancing at a lovely old woman who wore the most contented mask of happiness i'd seen in a long time. the beauty of her serenity was what initially pulled me into her, but then just as quickly i saw her face morph into adolescence right before my eyes. (it was literally a sci-fi moment!) i had to do a double-take to make sure i was looking at the same person and that's when i realized that i had somehow glimpsed her as she was when she was young. the flash was gone as quick as it came, but it awakened a fun new interest in my fascination with the human race.

we've all come from a childhood that is (hopefully) heading into a rich and adventure-laden adulthood. we have battle wounds, scars, memories, laugh lines, and forehead creases that tell a much bigger story than a quick glance would imply. but, regardless of what stage of our life we are currently in we're a part of the bigger human story that we all play a role in. we play heros and heroines, bad guys and villains, bad-asses, sluts, innocents, and goof-balls. there's a role for each of us and if we're lucky we'll get to play more then a few of these parts in our lifetime.

 in the meantime i'm gonna keep playing my soul-stalker game to remind me of how valuable the past is in forming what we choose to create in our future. and as always, ode to the present moment.

committed to the sparkle

about two years ago the universe snuck up on me and changed my life.  my body broke down and my heart cracked wide open while my emotional intestines spewed across the shiny linoleum floor of my life. not so perfect and not so clean. a beauty of a mess. heart and soul gorgeously askew.

and now the storm has passed :) i am, as i was all along, perfect-whole-complete. and still a beautiful mess.

cuz that's how it goes- we'll never have it all done. once we've crossed one bridge the earth starts to shake in a new way beneath our feet. i'm trying to learn to shake with it. to take out my maracas and whistle a tune to the rumble of the shift beneath my feet (soul). i'm learning that i don't have to try so hard. i sparkle from the inside no matter what i do or where i go. being kind to myself is a big one these days. giving myself a break from self-criticism, worry, and fear. doing things that feel good, just because they feel good.

before i left california i had just started to get into the swing of feeling good, settled, at home (in my soul and skin). and then the transplantation: cue Switzerland. land of conservative talk, demeanor, and dress. home to organizational nirvana and (possibly) the birthplace of efficiency. where goats on the hillside and people named heidi are real and very much a part of everyday life. and vanessa, a budding new flower decorating the hillside with her smiles and optimism. what's not to feel good about? sounds like a dream. and yet...

i'm finding it a challenge to feel good and in my skin here. feeling good is hard when you don't know what people around you are saying, where you are, or how to express yourself and be understood. it's kind of like living underwater; you can hear the sounds and see the sights around you, but unless you have gills and a second pair of eyelids everything is just that much cloudier and muted. my soul included. :)

but, i've been through worse! and that's the saving grace. the touchstone that i repeatedly rub and caress for inspiration and courage. i've been through much worse and survived. a million to one ain't got nothing on me. crazy bacterias have ravaged my body and demolished whole foundations of my being. and i'm still here (on most days) happy and thriving. yes thriving. because even when it feels shitty there is always a silver lining.

*a mom and pop who never stop loving me
*a husband who adores me
*sisters, friends, and family who hold my hand and touch my soul
*a swiss bank account ;)
*chocolate croissants and decadent bread
*green
*little kids who think i'm their hero
*cheese
*public transportation
*a universe that never stops giving :)

so, yes, i'm feeling challenged by the newness and awkwardess of my new home, but there's always a silver lining. and it's never further away than my next breath. inhale. exhale. thank you :)

so as i turn thirty this year in my new swiss home i open my arms to the goodness that fills the space around me. opening my heart to the knowing that each day things are getting better (even when it can feel like they're getting worse). remembering to keep my eyes to the sky and that i may not always see myself sparkle, but as long as i see it in the world around me i know i can't be far off...